My New Normal

I was having a conversation with a good friend and he was talking about how I talk down about myself at times. I look at him with the response, “What?  I am happy.  What do I say?”

What I talk about is my hair before cancer.  I have to be honest, the two things I loved most about myself was my hair and the other part of my body that became disfigured because of cancer.  I look at my scar that is about four inches long and I sometimes long for the days when I felt beautiful. 

What I tell others is that beauty is on the inside and not the outside.  I really truly believe this but somehow I have a hard time turning this advice around to myself.  All the years of abuse and being told I am not good enough are difficult things to erase from my self talk. 

As I talk to my friend about my past life before cancer I really think about how I feel about looking different after cancer.  My life before cancer was filled with dangerous relationships and self harming.  I used my beauty to attract dangerous people because I needed fast self affirmation that I was good enough for someone.  Being Bipolar meant that I loved fast and hard. For the most part that feeling of love was mostly lust and a wish to be loved.  How I was before cancer really got me nowhere.

I believe in divine intervention as everything stopped when I crumbled after chemo.  I get to start fresh after hitting rock bottom like I have never hit bottom before.  It took me two years to crawl out of that evil hole that tried to wrap its roots around me.  I would sit in group week after week with my dark hoodie wrapped around my head while tears were shed as I would talk about my wish to get better. 

Today I think of my cancer as a rebirth.  Today I am better than I have ever been before.  I am working with my new normal.  I will learn how to look at my scar as a sign of survival because as of now I am four years cancer free and I am able to function outside in society.  I am victorious as I fight for my son and his ability to learn positive affirmations about himself.  I have a beautiful daughter who is about to go out in that big open world.   For the first time, I am not lonely and I don’t lust for that self affirmation from somebody else.

It is now time to work on myself.  I need to look at myself and say that I am beautiful.  I have to fake it until I make it.  Because of my dangerous behavior, I lost the friends that I had before cancer.  I look forward to letting the new friendships grow that I now have.  I will not jump into a relationship for self affirmation.  I will wait for the day when I meet that friend and after time realize that it could be more.  I will learn how to love myself first. 

*Sam took this photo for breast cancer awareness.



Definition of Mental

1.a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.

2.a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.

b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.

I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.

*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam.