You would think that after twenty years of psychotherapy that I would get how my behavior inpacts what happens to me. I have't "gotten it" yet. I am still trying.
There is such a thing as "I love you, I hate you syndrome". It is real and I know it is. After a series of events, where I "perceive" whatever is happening at the time, I get angry and I feel the pressure building in side of me. It isn't after one event or two or even three. It is around the fourth or fifth event where I can't control my inner turmoil and I explode.
This is what I found from a website called "Ask a Biploar".
Sounds familiar. I watch my son with these same issues of perceiving the world differently.
So how do I correct this? I don't know the answer. I attend my therapy appointments and it isn't enough. I can enroll in Diabelicctal Behavior Therapy and do my best to have things fall off like water beads from a oiled iron skillet. That is a real skill that is taught in DBT.
I have a difficult time writing this because it feels like I am having a downright bitch fest. "You did this to me!" Well, no, I reacted to your way of living because I didn't like how I felt at that moment. There is a huge difference from reacting to your environment instead of saying, "you made me angry." Becoming angry was my choice.
"I love you, I hate you" is real for me. It doesn't have to be a boy friend, girlfirend relationship. It can be with potential friends. I am so screwed up that I don't know how to be friends with someone. The fact that I can write that I don't know how to be friends with someone hurts me. Twenty years of psychotherapy and I feel I haven't learned a thing. I do know that I am a better person than I was. BiPolar and it's ugliness made a mess out of my life and I am still picking up the pieces.
I worry about what I write but I still write. It is important to me to share what this life is like with BiPolar. Not enough material is written about this devestating illness. There is not enough mental health services for us and there is not enough understanding. I could go back and apologize to those that I have violently pushed out of my life with my words but I won't do that. I should of walked away at the first sign of turmoil. I had the signs and I still pushed forward.
I can't fix things after I explode and I have to live with my reactions and that should be enough to teach me a lesson. I was talking to a friend, a real one that puts up with me, and she said that when she listens to me she sees a hamster going round and round. Yeah, I can see that. I make the same mistakes over and over. Things calm down in my life and when they reve up I again make the same mistakes over and over. Hell has no furry for those that come across my path when life feels unbearable.
One of the stories that I would like to share is my love afair with Johnathon. I met Johnathon when I was 20 years old. I will never forget it. I was with a "potential" friend in a bar when I first saw him. He walked through a cloud of smoke and he was just there standing and it was love at first site. It wasn't a healthy relationship and I still kept going. What hurts is that I was so messed up that I used my "potential" friend to get to him. I didn't get to keep anyone in that group of folks. It is difficult to write how I wasn't able to cope with a group dynamic. During our last phone call I couldn't speak. No words would come out of my mouth. For years we would go on and off again becasue I couldn't communicate my needs. He hung up and changed his phone number. It was that day that I called a therapist and it was a start to finding out that I was BiPolar. I have him to thank.
"The phrase “I hate you, don’t leave me” was made popular by a book on the subject of something called Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD), although those with Bipolar Disorder (BP) can also show this pattern. Essentially it is what it says… and we’ll add to more of that here. The world of someone with BPD or BP if full of conflict and trying to handle a world not necessarily perceived the same as someone without these issues.
