Do We Have the Right?

This is my rebuttal of a blog post that I saw earlier today.  I don't know exactly how to paraphrase but I think the point the blogger was trying to make is that Autism Parents can be just as cruel as Neurotypical Parents.  The only reason why I am reposting is because I feel the need.  It is the same for all of  us bloggers, I believe.

Let me digress.  The post basically said that Autism Parents lash out when Neurotypical Parents talk about their kids successes and Autism Parents find that offensive because they can't relate to the real struggle that is Autism.  I have no clue if I got all of that right.  I will admit I am basically clueless when it comes to what point she was trying to make.

The post started out with this. "This post isn't probably going to be spectacularly popular in the autism parenting community.  I want to give a little love to the parents of neurotypical kids, pejoratively "normies."

I had to look up the word pejoratively which means "having a disparging, derogatory, or belittling effect or force."  I then had to look up the word disparaging which means "tending to belittle or bring reproach upon. The one thing I can thank this blogger for is a good vocabulary lesson.

I am going to start my rebuttal with my point.  Wow, this particular person has clearly gotten her feathers ruffled over something.  A "friend" perhaps?

I am a parent of a neurotypical and a child on the spectrum.  It is two different worlds.  My one world was filled with a daughter who excelled.  Life was tough for her because she had me as a Mom and she had a sibling on the spectrum.  She persevered and she has conquered.  I could not be more proud of her.  I cry every time I think about it.  This is a child that came from me and I filled her life with my problems and she still found her way.  Kudos to my daughter.  I love you honey.

I believe that "us" Neurotypical/Autism parents live in a Bipolar world.  Did I like living in the neurotypical world?  Absolutely not.  I didn't like who I had to hang with one bit. Sorry, but it is true.  The friends that I have live in the world of Autism. (or anyone who has struggled with something) It isn't anyone's fault and by no means do I think the neurotypical world, with little Autism understanding, is bad.  It isn't.  Basic human social needs revolve around needing to be around people who "get" it.  Simple. You also can't know what you don't know.  I can't expect anything different.

I love my daughter so much that at times it hurts.  There is no love like a mother's love.  I am not going to love my child any less because she is neurotypical.  No way.  All mothers, with the exception of a few, fiercely love their kids.  When they hurt we hurt.  It doesn't matter where they lie on the spectrum called childhood.

My son?  The last eight years have been tough.  I have been living in a world filled with anger and resentment.  It has mostly been this way because I wasn't heard and my child's needs were not met.

It is our job as parents of kids on the spectrum to teach others.  We all need to do it with kindness.  We all know that the lines of communication end when it is filled with anger.  On that note, I do realize that I am not particularly being kind to this particular blogger.  Yeah, it ruffled my feathers.

I think that people who lash out are angry.   I have to feel bad for the person who gets in the way of our anger.  It is nothing against them.  They were just in the wrong place at the wrong time.

What will I get mad at?  There is nothing worse than telling someone who works in a grocery store that your child has Autism and I have to pick my battles, when my child is doing something to upset the other person.  I get mad when said person says, "I don't care."  Yeah, she got it from me.

I will end with this.  I realize that it is person first language and the parent and the child comes first.  It should be, in our political correct world, the parent of a child with Autism and a child who is neurotypical.  Maybe I will write about that in my next post.  I just wanted to keep with the theme of the previous writer. 

Definition of Mental

1. a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.

2. a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.

b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.

I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.

*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam.  You can find more of Sam's work at https://www.facebook.com/SnapshotsBySamMaloney

What To Do During a Meltdown.

I am not feeling very positive today and I wanted to name this post What Not To Do During A Meltdown but I will be kind and do my best to give helpful information as it pertains to my specific child.

1.  If you see a child hurting, a parent (or guardian) is hurting right beside them.  As a parent I don't know how to distance myself from the pain I see on my child's face.  I don't know if I ever will.  I always see pain when Sam is melting down.

2.  If you are not raising a child on the spectrum you do not know how I feel.  If you feel compelled to say something it is helpful to say, "I am sorry, I do not know what you are going through."  I can't explain how helpful this is.  There is nothing worse than talking about my child and a 20 year old says, "Yeah, I can relate." If you work with our children and you don't have a child on the spectrum please say, "I wish I could relate, but I can't."  You can even say, "I am sorry, I wish I had more understanding of what you are going through."

My favorite posts from one of Sam's fans said this.  I am paraphrasing, "I would yell and say walk a mile in my shoes and then throw my shoes at them."  Ha!  I find that hysterical.  I am sure the person throwing the shoes didn't think it was funny.  After the fact, I think it is a creative response.

3.  If anyone feels compelled to say something derogatory to a parent during a meltdown I can almost 100% guarantee that the parent will not be kind to that person.  We have been through so much and the child?  I can't imagine.  I am not diagnosed with Autism.  I do have an understanding of growing up with a Mental Illness. Growing up with an undiagnosed Mental Illness was painful for me.  I get a little bit of it.

I keep on writing what not to do because we live in a negative society.  I will try to do better.

4.  If a person is in a managerial position and that person has to over see the meltdown, please either sit on the floor or sit in a chair.  If you can't find a chair, find someone to find you a chair.  Standing over the person having the meltdown doesn't help even if you are a few feet a way.  It would be my perfect world if a person sat down and placed their hands in their lap in a non threatening manner.  A child with Autism might not understand it but the parent does.  Standing with your hands behind your back or across your chest doesn't help at all.

5.  If anyone feels compelled to help, be prepared to sit down next to the person and be prepared to not say a word.  Just sitting next to a person or sitting off center helps.  Do not speak.  Please say nothing.  If a person wants to help and they just don't have 20 minutes to spare to sit and say nothing, walk away.
It is very helpful when people are not helpful.

6.  If Sam is having a meltdown in a crowded room and he perceives that a group of people are giving him a hard time, I pull up a chair to block his vision.  I remove the stimulus.

7.  I do my best to never talk during a meltdown.  I sit and I wait.  Talking during a meltdown doesn't help.  Trying to reason doesn't help. Yelling doesn't help.

8.  Never say, "My sister's son has Autism so I understand."  No you don't.  Never say, "My neighbor has Autism so I understand."  No you don't.  The only time I don't take offense is when someone says, "My neighbor's son has Autism and I see how difficult times can be for her/him."  You can always say that you can see the pain and you feel bad for that pain.  Never, ever say that you understand if you are not raising a child with Autism.  A person just might get a pair of shoes thrown at them.  It is a trigger for us parents.  Trust me.

9.  If you are driving in a car and a child is having a meltdown, pull over and sit and wait.  I do this all the time.  I have had cops pull over and ask if I needed help.  I always say, "nope, I just don't want to get in an accident"  If you have the parent in the car with you, sit and be quiet.

10.  The meltdown isn't bad parenting.  I would love to have more understanding.

11.  Never say walking past a meltdown, "Been there, done that!"  That is not helpful.

I can't think of anything else right now.  Please feel free to add your own list.  There might be something that I am forgetting.

Debra Pierce Bellare, Sam's Mom.

Definition of Mental

1. a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.

2. a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.

b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.

I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.

*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam.  You can find more of Sam's work at https://www.facebook.com/SnapshotsBySamMaloney