I don't want anyone to feel sorry for me, but I do want people to understand how difficult it is. Pick yourself up by the bootstraps? Doesn't work. The numbness sets in, the inability to take a shower kicks in and the unbelievable sadness sets in. I take a shower, I put one foot in front of the other and I take care of Sam. I do it while I hurt.
I love my two children with everything I have. One has left the nest and we all know it is better for all of us because of Autism. It is killing me. It feels like a knife in my heart. I get it but it doesn't stop the tears. Autism isn't easy for any of us but we live with it and I, at the helm of the house, have to do what I can with it.
What is it now? 1 out of 50 families live with Autism? That is one out of 50 families who are set up to have family walk away, loss of friends, loss of jobs, or some of us with BiPolar, the loss of our kids. I have almost lost my kids three times in my life and I am worried sick that someone, basically Sam's Dad, will try again. I am even running the risk by talking about it and well, I will cross that bridge when I get the court papers. I have had CPS at my house around 10 times in the last year. I have to tell my son that when he confides in someone that maybe the bathtub isn't as clean as he would like it that he has to keep his mouth shut. (My bathtub is so stained and I can't get the stains out)
Sam has been out of school for about 34 school weeks. I need to understand why people can't see his talents and what he is capable of. I don't understand why my Autism Community hasn't rallied behind my son. Sam has almost 4,000 people on his facebook page: Snapshots by Sam Maloney and the people in the box are more supportive than the ones who I actually want to support Sam.
It is lonely sitting in my house alone while I hear the cold whip of the wind. I know I need to get to the gym and I know I need to eat better because of having past cancer. I will try better tomorrow.
I know who are the people who care about me outside of my computer. It is very difficult to be around someone who is sad. I wouldn't want to be around me at the moment. I have plans for Sam and myself around getting out and being social and for that I am grateful. The not so healthy part is that I do everything for Sam. There is nothing that I do for me. What I want to do cost money and I don't have it. Knitting circles cost money and going to the movie cost money. Even to read a book from the library because I have to pay that fine because of lost books because of poor organizational skills.
The problem at the moment is that I don't feel safe. I don't feel safe from Sam's Dad, our workers and everyone we come in contact with professionally. I have to keep my mouth shut and for us that live with a mental health challenge, it is not healthy for us. We all live in fear that our children will be taken away from us if we speak up that we don't feel so hot. It doesn't matter what anyone else says because we know because we have lived it.
What would I say to someone who thought, well you better take her kids? I would say that they are only making matters worse. I love my son with everything that I have. I work endless hours making sure he has what he needs. I make phone calls after phone calls if I don't have something and I work tirelessly to make sure he gets it. Nobody, and I mean nobody can take care of him the way I do, even when I am sad and I hurt.
Please don't call CPS if you think that I should be investigated. I say this to any of my professionals who read this or fall upon it. The only thing our worker did was hurt me. People can tell me until they are blue in the face that it is their job as a mandated reporter. People who are in my home know how well I take care of my children and if there is a problem I take care of it. The worker was cruel and I never want to see her again and when I do see her I will say hello and walk away. Apparently she didn't really want to work with us.
Now I wait for the upswing. It is BiPolar, or is it Bipolar, after all.
Definition of Mental
1. a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.
2. a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.
b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.
I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.
*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam. You can find more of Sam's work at https://www.facebook.com/SnapshotsBySamMaloney
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