My thought today, with all of its twists and turns is, "Am I truly on my own?" Let me explain.
This post is really about Joe, Sam's Music Therapist. I digress, Joe was Sam's Music Therapist. Joe has accepted an alternative place of employment which is truly his dream job. I am being totally unselfish when I say that I am truly happy for him. I really am, I really am, I really am...No really, I really am happy for him. My selfish childish self really isn't happy.
So where do I go from Joe leaving to me being grounded enough to accept the loss. Here is the thing, Joe was like family. He met Sam when he was six but my selfish self isn't thinking about Sam. I am thinking about how much Joe helped me. Wonderful Music Therapists become wonderful Music Therapists when they include the family. Well heck, any good therapist includes the family. Joe included me. I learned about sensory regulations, executive functioning skills and I learned to let Sam be Sam.
Joe was the guy who I got to know when I was diagnosed with Cancer. Joe was one of the few individuals who saw me with no hair. That is real vulnerability when you are bald. Joe saw me go through my debilitating illness where the agoraphobia was so bad that the only place I went, besides grocery shopping, was to take Sam to Music Therapy.
Joe was the guy who supported me when I came up with the idea to place a camera in Sam's hands to put his photos on facebook so people could comment and he could learn how to read by reading the exceptional comments left by so many caring individuals. What would our life look like if we hadn't found Joe. What if I never asked, "Hey Joe, can we incorporate the photography?" or heard, "Yeah, definitely!"
I am now at that place. I now know what life is like without Joe. I had to say goodbye.
My thoughts with their twists and turns are trying so hard to find their final resting place of where I am at with my loss. It was later that day when the police showed up at my house because my son had a meltdown. I didn't contact Joe. Joe is no longer Sam's therapist. I have a disconnect now because I no longer have any personal ties with the place I once called my second home.
I had nobody to contact who works with Sam, nope scratch that. I contacted Sam's service coordinator. I have to tell him when the police come to my home. It is in the rules. I obey the rules. Still waiting to see if an investigation will be made with the Developmental Disability Service Office. OK, second scratch that, I contacted one of Sam's workers. He told me I crossed the boundaries and was not allowed to contact him.
That is when I felt the loss. Joe would of let me contact him. He would of listened. He would of said, "I am sorry, I don't know what you are going through but I support you" He was one of a kind. Yeah, I feel totally on my own when it comes to communicating with people who work for Sam. I know that they do not work for me. It will be OK. Change is good for Sam. Sam will become a better person by being able to work with different people.
Change can be good.
Good Luck Joe on your new dream job. I look forward to the day when we toast to Sam's good fortune. I expect you to be at his wedding. You better be there. If not, I am going to be very angry with you. :)
Lots of Love, (from someone who admires you greatly)
Debra, AKA Sam's Mom.
Sam's first photo taken after Joe taught Sam how to hold the camera. I will never forget that it was the first weeks of January 2011.
Joe and Sam August 2012. Joe is the guy that influenced Sam to gain the courage to stand on stage. I will never forget it.
Definition of Mental
1. a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.
2. a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.
b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.
I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.
*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam. You can find more of Sam's work at https://www.facebook.com/SnapshotsBySamMaloney
