I have a tattoo of a sunflower on my right shoulder to always remember my small space of heaven. Sunflower to me represent good mental health.
I had my first nervous breakdown when I was 30. I had almost lost my daughter and my Mom saved me by coming to get me the day before they were going to take My Mina away from me. I lived with my parents and I didn't leave their house for a year. I was very ill. It is unfair to call a mental illness an illness because today I am still diagnosed with Bipolar but I am not ill. I was ill when MY Mina was little. I finally got on my feet and I moved a few blocks away from my parents.
One of my favorite memories was visiting my elderly neighbor and she would talk and talk about how much she loved my sunflowers.
Sunflowers also make me think of my funeral. The only flower that I want at my funeral are sunflowers. If you happen to come to my funeral and you bring me a rose, I have already asked a friend to turn them away. That may sound rude but that is just the frame of mind I am in today.
Thinking about my funeral also makes me angry because I sure do hope I live long enough to see Sam's success. Just like when My Mina was little remembering her watering the sunflowers, I also remember Sam's first picture that he took with his camera. It is the same type of memory. MY Mina grew into this amazing, talented, fun loving, wonderful, intelligent girl that I almost missed having the pleasure to raise. I didn't get to miss it. I don't want to miss seeing who Sam is going to be.
I am going backwards in my story starting at the ending but the ending is what it is all about. Autism is awful but it isn't my son who has Autism that is awful, it is people's reactions, misinterpretations and misconceptions that are awful.
The goal for Sam is to learn how to self advocate. For six weeks I got the reports that he was restrained and he had trouble in Music and they don't know why, blah, blah, blah and it ended up that he had to sit and listen to wheels on the bus with all of the versus with the windows and the doors and the babies. Yeah, he felt he was going insane I am sure. High pitched, infantile things don't go well with Sam. Anybody who knows Sam knows that. I told the school that and when I found out the IEP coordinator apologized blah, blah, blah, blah. Sam now has an appropriate music class. "Yeah for Sam!"
So now I am getting the reports that he has appropriate functional skills from the OT and a whole bunch of other round robin wheels on the bus go up and down language where I just don't understand their point. I get a note today that Sam flipped off the teacher with both hands today. That is Sam's new thing. He first would flip you off with his pointing finger and after he got comfortable with that he moved to the middle finger and then it was full throttle with both hands fingers straight up in the air. He got that from me. I think he inherited it. I did the same thing when I was little.
The note from the teacher today said that he won't choose a break card. The goal is for Sam to self direct to take a break. Sam won't choose the break card. Why won't Sam choose the break card? I told the teacher I would talk to him and find out what I could and I would get back with what I find. The teacher is trying really hard to communicate with me,, even though he is probably scared of me, (I mean I am Bipolar and they know it) and I tell him how much I appreciate the communication.
Sam and I were driving today and I am asking him questions and he doesn't want to talk about it and he finally said he doesn't want to talk about it because nobody will do anything about it anyway. Well, I am a pushy thing and I finally got that he gets stuck on the first break card. What is the first break card? To take an animal walk. I just about had a heart attack, I will get back to that at the end of this little story.
All the break cards are babyish. They are all just like Sam having to sit in Music Class and listen to The Wheels on the Bus. I am furious. Sam did advocate and asked the OT for more age appropriate breaks. She said that it will take time. Well, Sam doesn't have any concept of time. I told them that. So instead he got frustrated and flipped them off with both hands. I don't blame him. He tried. He did what his goal was...to self advocate.
I am now on high blood pressure medication and 81mg of Aspirin. I have an emergency stress test because I keep getting shortness of breath and pains in my chest. That was my point about the sunflowers. I want to make sure that everyone knows to bring sunflowers to my funeral. I don't plan on dying, this stress can become unbearable. I am doing this all myself. I will make sure I take the aspirin and drink lots of water before I go to bed. They say that helps.
Don't forget the sunflowers.
Definition of Mental
1. a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.
2. a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.
b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.
I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.
*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam. You can find more of Sam's work at https://www.facebook.com/SnapshotsBySamMaloney
