I Was Going To Make A Facebook Post But...

I was going to make a post but I decided against it. My daughter always says that her friends are interested in Sam's page but my posts are too long.  I did a presentation last week and I was telling my daughter about how I make speeches without notes and she says yeah, you don't need notes.  I think her point is that I never run out of things to say.

So I am blogging my post because I have too much on my mind.
Today Sam worked with one his workers for an hour at a playground and it isn't respite for me.  I have to stay.  This agency has a rule that the parent must be present always.  I emphasize the word always.  I couldn't even go around the corner to the store to get a soda.  I am not going to lie.  Sitting for an hour in my car is no fun.  So I was reading this book "The Whole Brain Child" that was recommended by Sam's Music Therapist.  It was talking about how you should empathize with your child if they have had a negative experience.  It also said that you should talk about it with your child.  I wanted to throw that book out the window.  First of all that book was written for the parent who are raising neurotypical kids.   They are talking about if they were in a car accident or some one time event. What about being dragged to a 10x10 closet every day.  I do talk about the restraints and seclusions with my child.  I never want him to think that these awful things that have happened to him is his fault.  I am told by the experts that I am part of the problem because I do talk about the restraints with my child.  Duh!  He already knows about them.  Am I just supposed to just sit and do nothing because somebody else thinks it isn't a big deal or it isn't healthy for Sam.  These professionals thave the "They get over it" mentality.  No they don't get over it. The parents don't get over it either.    I didn't throw the book out the window because it is a library book and I don't have the money to pay for it. If it was my own book I would of gotten out of my car and thrown it away while spitting on it.  No offense to Sam's Music Therapist.  I probably should finish the book and have a intellectual discussion about it but I am not in the mood. 

My whole point is this...the book wasn't written for a parent who has a child with Autism.  The book wasn't written for misunderstood children who have a dual diagnosis of Autism and a Mental Health diagnosis.  The book wasn't written on what to do when the parent is seen as part of the problem.  The book doesn't have any of the answers that I am searching for.

On the way home from working with this particular worker Sam said, "Yeah, I was kinda sad."

"Sam, why were you sad?"

"I forget."

"No, you didn't forget.  You can tell me anything."

"Because sometimes I have visions of people hurting me.  Like in my old school where the guy threw me and I almost hit the wall. I can't sleep at night.  I don't like going to sleep at night."

As Sam's parent I am not backing down and telling this new school that they can lay their hands on him.  Once they lay their hands on Sam, Sam is going to go into fight or flight.   

I feel sick.

So I keep doing what I am doing.  I am teaching Sam photography and we are starting really cool projects to show the world that Sam CAN.  To heck with the educational system.  If I get him to a place where he is safe and happy, we can do the fun stuff after school.  

People ask me, "So what makes you happy?"  It is simple what makes me happy.  Ask Sam to take your photo.  Tell Sam, "Wow, your photography is awesome."  It also makes me happy when someone asks me to donate one of Sam's prints.  This is where I do get a little snobish, or maybe not (not really sure).  I like it when people specifically ask for a print for their specific cause.  I am so unbelievably busy that I like it even more when they remind me when I have forgotten to get them the print.  I had one of my favorite ladies from our YMCA call me twice for the print.  I don't need a thank you.  I just want to know that you really want the print.  I had one experiences where I have donated and the woman didn't even look like she cared.  I never want to feel that way again.  It felt lonely.  I work too hard to feel lonely. 

As a side note, there are two organizations that never have to ask for a donation because they have become a part of who I am.  They know who they are.  

It also makes me happy when I get to hang out with Sam.  I don't care if he has the camera in his hands. He is a really cool kid.

So tonight I was thinking about my post and how I should have my tag line be "Thanks for sharing and caring" but that is corny.  I do appreciate Sam's fans sharing his facebook page.  I also appreciate their generosity and their well wishes to communicate to us how much they care about my son.  I am a fortunate Mom.  

Now all I have to do is to keep him safe and happy from 8am-2pm weekdays.

Definition of Mental

1. a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.

2. a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.

b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.

I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.

*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam.  You can find more of Sam's work at https://www.facebook.com/SnapshotsBySamMaloney