What To Do During a Meltdown.

I am not feeling very positive today and I wanted to name this post What Not To Do During A Meltdown but I will be kind and do my best to give helpful information as it pertains to my specific child.

1.  If you see a child hurting, a parent (or guardian) is hurting right beside them.  As a parent I don't know how to distance myself from the pain I see on my child's face.  I don't know if I ever will.  I always see pain when Sam is melting down.

2.  If you are not raising a child on the spectrum you do not know how I feel.  If you feel compelled to say something it is helpful to say, "I am sorry, I do not know what you are going through."  I can't explain how helpful this is.  There is nothing worse than talking about my child and a 20 year old says, "Yeah, I can relate." If you work with our children and you don't have a child on the spectrum please say, "I wish I could relate, but I can't."  You can even say, "I am sorry, I wish I had more understanding of what you are going through."

My favorite posts from one of Sam's fans said this.  I am paraphrasing, "I would yell and say walk a mile in my shoes and then throw my shoes at them."  Ha!  I find that hysterical.  I am sure the person throwing the shoes didn't think it was funny.  After the fact, I think it is a creative response.

3.  If anyone feels compelled to say something derogatory to a parent during a meltdown I can almost 100% guarantee that the parent will not be kind to that person.  We have been through so much and the child?  I can't imagine.  I am not diagnosed with Autism.  I do have an understanding of growing up with a Mental Illness. Growing up with an undiagnosed Mental Illness was painful for me.  I get a little bit of it.

I keep on writing what not to do because we live in a negative society.  I will try to do better.

4.  If a person is in a managerial position and that person has to over see the meltdown, please either sit on the floor or sit in a chair.  If you can't find a chair, find someone to find you a chair.  Standing over the person having the meltdown doesn't help even if you are a few feet a way.  It would be my perfect world if a person sat down and placed their hands in their lap in a non threatening manner.  A child with Autism might not understand it but the parent does.  Standing with your hands behind your back or across your chest doesn't help at all.

5.  If anyone feels compelled to help, be prepared to sit down next to the person and be prepared to not say a word.  Just sitting next to a person or sitting off center helps.  Do not speak.  Please say nothing.  If a person wants to help and they just don't have 20 minutes to spare to sit and say nothing, walk away.
It is very helpful when people are not helpful.

6.  If Sam is having a meltdown in a crowded room and he perceives that a group of people are giving him a hard time, I pull up a chair to block his vision.  I remove the stimulus.

7.  I do my best to never talk during a meltdown.  I sit and I wait.  Talking during a meltdown doesn't help.  Trying to reason doesn't help. Yelling doesn't help.

8.  Never say, "My sister's son has Autism so I understand."  No you don't.  Never say, "My neighbor has Autism so I understand."  No you don't.  The only time I don't take offense is when someone says, "My neighbor's son has Autism and I see how difficult times can be for her/him."  You can always say that you can see the pain and you feel bad for that pain.  Never, ever say that you understand if you are not raising a child with Autism.  A person just might get a pair of shoes thrown at them.  It is a trigger for us parents.  Trust me.

9.  If you are driving in a car and a child is having a meltdown, pull over and sit and wait.  I do this all the time.  I have had cops pull over and ask if I needed help.  I always say, "nope, I just don't want to get in an accident"  If you have the parent in the car with you, sit and be quiet.

10.  The meltdown isn't bad parenting.  I would love to have more understanding.

11.  Never say walking past a meltdown, "Been there, done that!"  That is not helpful.

I can't think of anything else right now.  Please feel free to add your own list.  There might be something that I am forgetting.

Debra Pierce Bellare, Sam's Mom.

Definition of Mental

1. a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.

2. a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.

b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.

I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.

*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam.  You can find more of Sam's work at https://www.facebook.com/SnapshotsBySamMaloney