My Kindle

Sam and I are on SSI and SSD and I can’t afford many of the luxuries that others may be able to afford.  Getting assistance is a hard thing to admit because of the guilt associated with the thoughts of people saying, “You are the reason why our country is a mess!  Get a job!”  How do you say to a prospective employer, “Hi, my name is Debra and I have a mental illness and my son has Autism?”  That isn’t really what I would say but how do I keep a job when I am always asking for time off?  Any mom out there that has a child with Autism understands what I am saying. 

I have spent the last eleven years researching for my book and I started my blog to get my written word out there.  There are countless times when I stand in front of the many binders filled with research and feelings of defeat wash over me.  How will I find anything?  I can sit for hours as I scan in papers and try to figure out what name I can file it under in my e-book so it can be retrievable.

What I am leading up to was my desire to buy a Kindle.  I saved all of my family reimbursement money to buy one.  I am an avid reader and I wanted one place to keep all of my research. I can now add my kindle to the list of my wordly possessions that include my car, computer, TV, phone and Sam's camera. It is really all I need.

I took a break from reading to learn how to knit.  It sounds silly but I met a wonderful woman who was willing to teach me.  I wanted to learn how to make throws to donate to women that are going through Breast Cancer.  I remember the cold making a home in my body as the chemo meds dripped through my veins.  I traded reading for knitting as I sat with Sam through all of his appointments and times when I am the only one to supervise his activities.  I needed a break from all of the words that danced around in my head.

I am now able to knit so it is time to get back to my research.  I want to read A Thorn In My Pocket by Temple Grandin's Mom, Eustacia Cutler.  I am having a hard time spending the money for my first book so I downloaded the free prologue.   I started reading and it was clear to me why I took a break from the written word.  This book is going to be painful to read. 

What got me was how she talks about Temple’s siblings and their request to not be mentioned in the book. My question was answered of why Temple Grandin never mentions her siblings.  It is my wish that they know that their sacrifice has helped the entire world better understand what Autism is. 

Ms. Cutler continues to talk about the holes in her life and I totally get it.  My first mental breakdown was when Mina was six months old.  I had gone off my meds to protect her during my pregnancy and the Bipolar and Post Partum Depression got a hold of me.  I separated from my marriage and moved into my parent’s home.  I was unable to take care of myself or Mina.  The only thing I remember of Mina‘s first years of life was her first birthday.  Images flash in my head of family guiding her to open up the presents as I sat on the couch unable to hold her or help her.  This is a painful memory as I put up my self protective shield so the guilt doesn’t get me. 

I try not to think of what my life’s experience has done to Mina's psyche.  I can only think of good things as she lives her life and how she works so hard to get what she needs.  She is a part of the many siblings that get what having a disability means as she stands up for others that are unable to stand up for themselves.  I marvel at her ability to shine against diversity.  I was unable to buy her clothes so she learned how to sew and designs clothes of her own.  I love her beyond belief and am going to miss her when she graduates to the next frontier of her new life. She is my rock that keeps me grounded as life’s twists and turns shake me from the unpredictability of living life with Sam’s and my disability.   Mina is nothing short of amazing and I thank her for letting me share my thoughts of raising an incredible daughter. 

I am only on the first page of the prologue and already I am itching to write.  As I read tears streamed down as all of the memories started breaking down my protective wall.  This is going to be a tough one. 

Sincerely,

Debra Pierce Bellare

Definition of Mental

1.a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.

2.a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.

b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.

I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.


*Mina made me the cover for my kindle.

*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam.