Am I Autistic?

Well no, I am not Autistic but I do have a diagnosis of Bipolar.  So why am I thinking about this?  I was planning on attending an event and I became very sad because I was afraid to go because I felt like I had nothing to talk about.

As many of you are probably aware, failure to develop peer relationships appropriate to developmental level is one of the requirements that are kids, and adults, must have in order to have a diagnosis of Autism.  Many people who have been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder also suffer from Social Anxiety Disorder.  Is this one in the same?

When it comes to conversing with people, I am a meat and potatoes kind of talker.  I lack in the ability to talk fluff.  Sometimes I stand around and listen to people talk about their new furniture or their recent trip to the Bahamas.  That is all good but my life doesn’t fit in the category of husband, having a steady job, owning a home and being invited to parties on a Friday or Saturday night.  I grew up watching my parents being invited to parties and reciprocating with their own gallant affairs.  I sincerely thought that my life would be having my kids grow up with aromas of good food and electric conversations.  I know that I am not alone and that there are unimaginable amounts of people that have unbelievable amounts of challenges.  It bothers me when I am sitting alone in my house and the feeling of lonliness creeps in. 

There have been times when my memories of my childhood keep me company.  Back in the day we could drink at 18.  We started at 16.  My friends and I would buy beer, or have someone else do it, and we would roll the beer cans down the theatre while watching a movie. We used to drive for hours on the back country roads singing songs.  I chuckle as I remember walking up the stream plastered and getting to the cow field only to have a cow come up to me and sniff me.  I literally peed my pants.  All I could see was the Olean Times Herald announcing that, “Girl from Franklinville was killed by a cow.” 

The parties were legendary and even then I had a hard time staying for the entire scheduled event.  The joke was, “It is 10 O’clock, time for Deb to have a glass of milk and go home!”  I don’t know why I craved milk.  I guess I was low on Calcium.  And then there were my parties.  The halls in our high school would ring with, “Party at Pierces!”  I felt more in control when it was my environment with all my familiar surroundings.

So where was I, oh yeah, Autism.   I have read that people on the Spectrum are more comfortable communicating with people over the internet.  Machines feel more compatible than people.  I definitely feel the same way.  I never imagined that Sam’s photography would open the door to be communicating with so many awesome individuals with the same interests. Writing this blog is freeing and lets me connect with the outside world.   I get to think, process and put down what I want to say.  The best part is the conversations that I am having with my friends from back home.  Twenty five plus years doesn’t stand in the way of solid friends that were always there for me.

One of the biggest misconceptions that people have about Autism is that people don’t want to connect with others.  I have read multiple books where people discuss how they want the opportunities to thrive in the social world.  The problem is that they just don’t know how.  Again, I struggle everyday with feelings of inadequacy as I am swarmed with multiple people as I network for a successful life for Sam.  Sam is the reason why I put myself out there and will continually put myself out there no matter how uncomfortable I become.  It is not all bad but sometimes I do find myself going home and having a good cry.

I do have friends that I absolutely cherish.  The night I was supposed to go to the event a friend called me and we talked for a very long time.  She is also a meat and potatoes kind of talker.  Once in a while I also meet with others where the conversations are delightful.  I could not survive without the support of these individuals that find the time for me.  The little things that others do for me can hold me for a long time.

As a side note, I did go to Maine to see my sister and her family.  It was one of the best trips I have every taken. 

Definition of Mental

1.a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.

2.a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.

b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.

I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.

*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam.