I went to the pharmacy to ask if Sam's meds were ready and there I was told, "I'm sorry, we are still waiting for the Doctor to contact us, maybe you should call them tomorrow." What the heck! I told the doctor four days ago that Sam needed his meds and they told me to contact the pharmacists to have the pharmacy contact them. I did that! I want to scream, "Are you serious!" Now Sam is out of his meds. I asked the pharmacy if my meds were ready to be told no. I walked away feeling totally crushed. Is there anybody who cares about my family's well being?
I have been in a downward spiral for a couple of days now. This latest news was just too much. I walked away from the Wegman's pharmacy in tears. All the woman could do was say, "I'm sorry." It is not her fault. It is mine.
I needed ice cream for Sam. He wanted his night time snack. A woman's cart was in the way and I tearfully said, "Umm, I need to get some ice cream." Feeling totally awkward in my tears I went to get his other favorite snack of pistachios. I ran into a marching band mom who is a breast cancer survivor. She looked at me and I totally collapsed into her arms. I just sobbed and wailed, "I can't do this!" She asked me what was wrong and I explained that I just felt like I didn't have any strength left. We talked about breast cancer and I told her about my worries and how I had an oncology appointment coming up. We talked about depression and how people don't want to be involved with someone that just isn't feeling well. I won't have any friends coming over to my house saying, "What can we do?"
Why am I talking about this? I am all about education and why not educate in the midst of feeling like I can't take another step. I think about the guy that pushed the woman into the tracks in NYC while trying desperately to find help. I think of people shouting, "I need help!" only to get none. Does this really happen? Yes it does, I read about it all the time. After a tragedy the first response is, "What could we have done to prevent this?"
I am not going to go on a shooting spree or any other seemingly ridiculous way to shout to the world that I am hurting. I will just wake up in the morning full of fear to work as hard as I can to get through the day. That is how my depression works. How does one describe what this fear feels like? All I can say that it is debilitating. I tearfully talk myself into getting dressed and getting outside. That is what I did this morning. I made it and now it is night. Yes, I fell apart in the store and yes, I am afraid to go to bed in fear of what I will feel like tomorrow. Again, this is how my depression plays out.
Tomorrow I will call the Psychiatrist and if he won't help me I will call my General Practioner. If my General Practitioner won't help me I will go to the Emergency Room. If they won't help me I will be out of luck. I feel like a child who has made a bad choice. I shouldn't have chose money over drugs to keep me well.
I will be alright because I always make it. I will smile when people say hello. I will somehow get my medication so the depression will not dip to the point where I will be admitted into the local R-Wing. I will wait for the upswing even though it feels like it won't arrive. I will be ok.
Definition of Mental
1.a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.
2.a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.
b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.
I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.
*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam.
I'd park myself in the waiting room of that psychiatrist's office until something is done. What's that saying? The squeaky wheel gets the grease??
ReplyDeleteBe a sqeaky wheel!