When The Feeling Comes Around Again

Sam has been having a tough time at school and his frustration comes out in all sorts of ways.  Sam and I were driving home from the Got Dreams Awards the other night and he bursts into tears saying that he doesn't want to go to school.  That night was supposed to be about Sam doing a good job and his frustrations from school robbed him on this good feeling and that hurts me.  All I can do is say, "I hear you and I am sorry."  The next morning he wakes up and cries because he has to get up and do the school thing again when the day before he arrives home from the bus sobbing because he had a hard time with another child and the bus driver turns up the music on the bus.  All I can do is say, "I hear you and I am sorry."

So how does this all effect me?  I too wake up in the morning with that awful feeling of dread.  I got that feeling again of a weight that makes it hard to walk, talk and function   I sit for thirty minutes and look at my house and feel overwhelmed.  I force myself out of the house to go to the gym and lift weights.  The feeling of people surrounding me makes me feel like I want to run.  I want to run home and hide.  I get through it.  I don't feel better but I know I did something for myself.

So what is next.  Oh yeah, the dishes.  I look at them and again feel that heavy weight.  This is the biggest misunderstanding of having a Mental Illness.  We are not lazy.  When I feel this way I don't have complete thoughts as I do a round robin walking around my house taking note of what needs to be done.  It takes all my strength to walk over to the sink and do the necessary steps.  1.  Put the dry dishes away.  2. Take out the dirty dishes and fill the sink with soapy water.  3.  Wash the dishes.  4.  Wipe the counters.  I keep telling myself, "You can do this."  I well up in tears and think, "For cripes sake, they are only dishes! Why are you crying?"

There are so many negative thoughts that live in my head that I have to ignore.

I finish the dishes with the hopes of getting a feeling of accomplishment.  The feeling never comes.  Instead I try to get over my thoughts of the night before.  I sat and listened to the keynote speaker at the Got Dreams Awards and I hear her say that if we not only listened to our kids when they are young.  Who is listening to Sam besides me?  I need people to listen that can really do something about Sam having a difficult time at school.  Who is going to be the one that changes the course of my son's life and well being?  Who is going to step in and say to Sam, "I am going to make it better."  The evening ended with me running into a guy who asked me if I am still working at Hillside?  "No", I replied, " I was working with a temp agency and the Peaceful Initiative Committee at Hillside and I am no longer called."  I walked away hearing his response, "That is too bad."  I was getting a lot out of my involvement and now it is gone.  A person with a Mental Illness is not lazy and we do want to work.

I start cleaning off the kitchen table and I sort through Sam's dittos from school.  I went to college and received my teaching certificate and I worked as a teacher.  I know that these dittos are ridiculous.  I dislike Sam's school all the more.  OK, what's next? Oh yeah my room. I try my best to make my bed to only lie in it a few minutes later to sleep and block out the world.  This is the part where I totally get Sam sleeping in school for avoidance.  He is communicating to the professionals that are there to help him, "I don't want to do this.  I am not happy."  It doesn't take a rocket scientist to figure that out.

My day ended with me feeling better around 5 pm.  This is how my illness works when I am not feeling well.  The mornings are scary, the early afternoons I have to fight to pull through.  The chains of the illness let go at night.  I can get things done.  Days like this is when I know that I am truly a survivor.

*I wrote this a couple of days ago when I was having such a difficult time of it.  I feel much better now.  A very dear friend spent some time listening to me and it made all the difference in the world.  He made the choice to not walk away.  This is the ebb and flow of my illness.  It is what it is.  Now I have to get back to work helping Sam.  


Definition of Mental

1.a: of, relating to, or being intellectual as contrasted with overt physical activity.

2.a: of, relating to, or affected by a psychiatric disorder <mental patient>.

b: mentally disordered, mad, crazy.

I choose being an intellectual as my definition of being mental.

*The photo that I use for my background was taken by Sam.